The Rolls-Royce Cullinan is here. Reality has officially been suspended.
Stand in awe and gape at this leviathan. Majestic af isn’t it, the Rolls-Royce Cullinan? Go on, gaze upon it, peasant. Bask in the palatial aura emanated from a car nay, a carriage fit for people who are much, much more privileged than you. And me. Definitely me.
“What am I doing here? I don’t belong here. This is high society.”
Also, what on Earth is a Rolls-Royce Cullinan doing here? This outlet is supposedly dedicated to watches inste-
Ah, now I see why…
And with that, we turn our attention back to the most refined, polished elephant in the room. See, reality does not exist when you’re sharing the same airspace as a car NAY, A CARRIAGE whose single tyre valve cap costs more than any one of my watches and whose teflon-coated umbrella (of which there is a pair of them tucked away in each rear door) is pricier than both my kidneys put together. It’s too much. I cannot.
And yet. I can. We can.
This is the Rolls-Royce Cullinan. Large and imposing as it may be, it’s main mission is to attract new customers to the fabled manufacturer. To allow the next generation to be embraced by The Spirit of Ecstasy.
“Fret not, peasant,” it whispers as I approach its coach doors. “I am but a gentle soul. Come closer, friend.”
Friend?
“Really? But, I can’t afford you. Never will I be able to,” I stammer back, a bit apprehensive at first.
“Yes, you will. You can. If you believe…,” it spoke again. Its voice reverberated through my entire being as I ran my fingers along the single Mandarin coachline. The booming depth of its voice offset by an oddly calming quality.
“I don’t know, man. Doesn’t change the fact the Rolls-Royce Cullinan is still quite large and intimidating…”
No sh*t, Sherlock. Do you expect any less from a car-carriage (fine, SUV!) that’s named after the largest diamond ever found? More so when it’s a Rolls-Royce? Even more so when it’s their first-ever SUV?! For those unfamiliar with the Rolls-Royce name, get out from under that rock, mate. Then proceed to educate yourself on what is arguably the most popular name in the automotive sphere.
So popular, in fact, that a 1987 survey concluded that only Coca-Cola was a brand more known than Rolls-Royce. #ididntknowthateither #schooled
With that said, the current iteration of Rolls-Royce has only been around since 1998. This was when BMW AG acquired the rights to the Rolls-Royce name and logo. Now, before we go off on a history lesson, back to our friend.
If ever a divine being required an earthly vessel to be ferried about in, the Rolls-Royce Cullinan would be at the very top of the list. As mentioned, it’s the first SUV to be made by Rolls-Royce and Goodwood threw everything including the proverbial kitchen sink at it.
Dimensions are just as godly with a length of one and half football fields, height equaling that of Yao Ming and the same width as your Mum. To the ones who take life too seriously, that’s 5,341 mm, 1,835 mm and 2,165 mm, respectively.
At 2,660 kg, it weighs just a tad more than your Mum.
“Can it move faster than my Mum, though?”
Yes, a lot faster. Underneath that yuuuge bonnet is a twin-turbo 6.75 litre V12 engine. Let that sink in for a minute. An engine whose cubic capacity figure will set you back around RM7,600+ in terms of road tax should have enough power to reverse the Earth’s rotation, right?
Well, that’s not adequate for Rolls-Royce apparently so they lumped in turbochargers to make sure it pumps out 563 hp at 5,000 rpm and 850 Nm of torque at just 1,600 rpm. In other words, enough power to reverse the Earth’s rotation and warp the space-time continuum.
Of course, it goes without saying that with great power comes the need for a transmission that will not self-immolate. In this case, the Rolls-Royce Cullinan comes equipped with a satellite-aided eight-speed gearbox that is more than up for the job of putting the power down to all four wheels (with four-wheel steering capabilities). Speaking of wheels, the 22-inch units are shod with 255/45 Continental ContiSport Contact 5 tyres up front and 285/40 units at the rear.
Since I’m quite uncultured, I’ll quote performance numbers anyway. The 0-100 km/h dash is done and dusted within 5.1 seconds and the top speed is 250 km/h (electronically-limited because any faster is pointless and very undignified).
“Does it have a jacuzzi inside?”
For a bit more moolah (okay, a lot more), I’m sure it’s possible but as standard, no.
“Not interested. An oligarch requires a jacuzzi as standard, nothing less.”
Sure? How about the option to choose between the Lounge Seats or Individual Seats?
“I SAID OLIGARCHS NEED A JACU-WAIT. Individual seats? Like ‘I’m a VVVVIP type of individual seats?”
Yes, the VVVVIP kind. In this case, the Individual Seats option. As its name suggests, this layout features two seats split down the middle by a console that consists of a drinks cabinet with Rolls-Royce-branded whiskey glasses and a decanter in the front portion. The rear segment features champagne flutes and a refrigerator.
Also, it would be blasphemous to not include massage and ventilation functions, right? Right.
The five-seater Lounge Seat option, on the other hand, has seating for three or two to practice horizontal running. When you’re done with that and need to lug around tons of (tailored) luggage pieces, the rear seats can be electronically-folded down completely or with a 2/3 or 1/3 split layout.
As for the boot (or trunk to you ‘Muricans), it’s rated at 560 litres – 600 if you get rid of the parcel shelf and a whopping 1,930 litres with the seats down. There’s also a glass partition (only available on the Individual Seats configuration) that segments the cabin from the luggage compartment so no one faints upon entering when you’ve just returned from transporting durians.
“Also… what’s this ‘Viewing Deck’ I’ve been hearing about?”
Ah, yes. Another neat feature is the aforementioned ‘Viewing Deck’. It’s basically a pair of rear-facing leather chairs and a cocktail table that’s found in the rear half of the car.
Because there’s nothing more rewarding than enjoying the sunset with your mistress after a hard day of off-road driving across the savanna with a glass of bubbly in hand while the wife is halfway across the world rushing the kids to Taekwondo/ballet/public speaking classes.
Should your other half find out and decides to try and gun you down, rest assured that the Cullinan is quite a safe car, NAY SAFE! IT’S A SAFE CARRIAGE FIT FOR GODS/HEADS OF STATES/SAME DIFFERENCE!
How safe? You’ve got *deep breath* Night Vision and Vision Assist with day/nighttime Wildlife and Pedestrian warning, Alertness Assistant, a 4-Camera system with Panoramic View for all-round visibility and and “helicopter” view, Active Cruise Control, Collision Warning, Cross-Traffic Warning, Lane Departure-Lane Change warning and all the alphabets in the list of safety systems.
Aaand… Snap back to reality!
Realize that I can never afford this grand entity.
Back to my own jalopy.
Such is life and all its accompanying misery.
Go home and cry while I make my own bowl of Mi Maggi.
